A Late Update from Amidst Ghosts

Dear Readers,My life consists of waking up late, taking a boiling shower if I happend to feel like it, teaching two chimpanees some Spanish and math - the alphabet and numbers 1-20, eating, scolding kids and sleeping.

Why are these kids so seemingly simple but deep down so complicated? I had a serious crisis yesterday with one of them. He has problems, serious ones, at school - third grade, doesnt read well, hardly writes, doesnt know how to write five-hundred in numbers. I had to help him with his math once again. Nothing went as planned, but all went as I expected from previous experience - he insulted me, called me the Fucking Blond (in incorrect Spanish), threatened to kill me there and then, etc. All because he is racist because he doesnt understand why there are people of different colour in the world, because he felt inadequate, sad and insecure. He didnt want to ask for help but needed it badly. So many justifications for his actions, and the only thing I could do while he was shouting at me for 3 hours was to try to understand.

I enjoy situations like the one mentioned above because they are real challenges for me. They measure very effectively whether I have patience enough to respect others and myself in difficult times. They show me the side of myself that I seldom see - the angry tiina. At the same time they pose questions that I have to ponder - am I in the right place, doing the right thing, interacting with the kids in the appropriate way?

At the moment I feel I am at a turning point. I can do whatever I feel is right, i have very little obligations here at this moment. I just have to listen to myself very well. At times it hurts. These kids are not individuals unattached from their environment, this country and its history. Instead, they are products of this factory of human beings called the Mexican society. They have seen its dark side: maybe they were born to a mother who wasnt able to take care of them, they were born because abortions are illegal, and because people are uneducated about the use of contraceptives, and live in poverty. They think the way they think because of the programmes they show on TV here, because the education is what it is, etc. They are sceptical about me because they are racists, very aware of the racist nature of the society here.
They indeed are complicated, and the most rewarding part of my work here is learning to understand what goes on in their small heads. I am fascinated by the psychology of these kids, to put it shortly.

The more personal part of my stay here is also causing me head aches. I have thought a lot about love. I have loved so many people during my life! I have received so much love! Yet, I feel like I am running out of energy to love because my heart is dispersed around the world - bits of it are in Norway, many in Finland and even more around the world in the pockets of people who I once loved and continue loving. It is painful not to be around people you truly appreciate and love and miss. This realisation has made me want to slow down and more importantly settle down somewhere where I know there are people i love. The world reflects my actions. If I smile more the world will smile back. A person told me I have stopped smiling, that I have become more serious than before. The comment worries me - I will try to work on smiling more.